


Dysfunction Works for Us

by c3childs



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman - Fandom, DCU, The Avengers (2012), Under the Red Hood
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Crossover, Gen, SHIELD, batfamily, commentfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-25
Updated: 2013-02-25
Packaged: 2017-11-28 14:10:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/675269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/c3childs/pseuds/c3childs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>commentfic -  A collection of stories written from prompts of relatively short  length<br/>- Five Times Alfred tried to convince Jason to come home +1<br/>- Jason Todd wasn't killed by the Joker...<br/>- Oracle should change her name to Ultimate Queen of All She Surveys. <br/>And other short ficlets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What's Seen in the Spaces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DCU, The Bat Clan, In a world of high-tech cyber crime, the Bats are the ghosts in the machine, and Oracle is the vengeful god overseeing everything.

Oracle stretches her reach throughout the system, monitoring her personal operations and the ones she's claimed. She is nearly limitless in this form, in a world of numbers and sequences and codes. She is above the Grid, looking down on highways of circuitry and activity and information.  
She is powerful here, almost infinite with every cyber command at her fingertips, and anything beyond only a thought away. In her time here, she's spread her influence throughout Gotham's Grid, and from there, she could access everything from traffic cameras and lights, train schedules, bank transactions, medical records, police records...  
Oracle controls Gotham, protects it, though it's hardly worth it sometimes. It's more a stubbornness that won't allow her to let the city devour itself. That it's not really that great and powerful.  
And the Oracle has allies now, it seems. They assisted in taking out an AI that had a malicious sense of humor and wreaked havoc on the city's Grid and threatened to spread further.  
At first, she thought that they were Programs already inside the grid. It wasn't until later, when she went over the data that she realized that they were jacked in.  
She didn't know who they were. They appeared suddenly and vanished, cleaning nearly trace of themselves from every system they touched. It was like they'd been absorbed into the Grid itself.  
She didn't know, and Oracle did not like being uninformed. She's been looking for them, but they have been careful to handle their business quickly, taking out viruses targeting banking records, hackers trolling government contracts, internal hospital information, U.S Marshal records.  
They're messy and stylish and vindictive, but highly efficient, and if not for the fact they they had invited themselves into her territory, she might be mildly impressed rather than very pissed off.  
That blue one had called her babe.  
Babe.  
So for hours, she has searched the Grid, looking for the kind of power surges that would indicate several, usually four, people being Online for extended periods of times, how many people in the city with the money for the kind of tech necessary to even jack in, crossmatching the dates and times.  
She finds a promising lead, and follows it, finds an ID, and doesn't allow herself to believe it until she's exhausted all possible lines of investigation.  
In this form, Oracle has a limited range of facial expressions because that is the way she is designed. But were she capable, the smile on her face would warn certain people to flee to some remote, backwards island lacking anything more high tech than DSL.  
In the real world, Barbara Gordon unjacks, removing the visor from her eyes and pressing a hand to her temple. The implant is just under her skin, and her head throbs, but she's still smiling.  
"Bruce Wayne," she says to the quietly humming machines. The screens cast her in a pale, green light and reflect off of the glasses she slips onto her nose. "is the Batman. Now isn't that just a kick in the head."


	2. Five Times Alfred tried to convince Jason to come home (and one time he did)

1\. "It would be so nice to have everyone home for my birthday. Goodness knows how few years I have left with any of you."  
"You can do better than that, Alfie. Really."  
  
2\. "Master Bruce is dying."  
"Good."  
His frown was audible.  
  
3\. "I'm dying."  
"That's not funny."  
  
4\. "Todd!"  
"Demon child. Why are you in my house?"  
"Though I can't understand why, Pennyworth refuses to cook unless all of his 'family' will partake. For some reason, he is deluded enough to consider you a part of it."  
"He's starving you? Great. Maybe you'll all drop from undernourishment and stay out of my way for once."  
  
5\. Jason broke his leg. He blamed Dick and his little demon brother. Alfred couldn't help but pity him.  
"If not for yourself, Master Jason, it would be much easier for me if you were to heal up at the manor."  
"Yeah, no. That wouldn't work. Because Dick would try to hug me, and you'll be distracted tending to the bullet hole."  
"That would be a trifle inconvenient."  
  
\+ 1. He hadn't told anyone he was sick. No one had noticed. There was a whole city out there, full of people who were loudly in distress and danger of death all of the time.  
They didn't know he was dying until the morning they woke up and there was no coffee waiting, no smells of a sumptuous breakfast wafting from the kitchen.  
Alfred Pennyworth passed peacefully in his sleep, the autopsy revealed from natural causes.  
The funeral was small. The commissioner and Barbara attended, as well as Dr. Thompkins. The Birds of Prey were uncommonly subdued, Zinda however being the only one to openly weep. Selina stood near Bruce, just barely out of reach.  
Jason arrived dressed for the occasion in a black suit, grey shirt, and black combat boots. He spared Bruce a glance, Dick a nod, and patted Damian's head, just to get the glare.  
All the Bats and Birds stood before the grave of the best father any of them had ever known. All of them together. It was all Alfred had ever wanted.


	3. Two pissed-off kids making very bad life choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From Gunnery Sargent to SHIELD not-even-an-Agent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This. Is. Not. What I need to be doing right now.

He doesn't know what he's doing here. He had two options, prison or the Army, so of course he'd chosen the Army, the Marines actually. He regrets it almost every day. He regrets getting caught with that Porsche, and the drugs, which - irony - were already in the car. Fifth strike and all.  
So now he's technically, legally dead because the Government, and he has Skills that could benefit not just his country but the World. So Jason's going to save the world, by killing people and not dying while doing it. Which apparently qualifies as Skills.  
Once again, he had options. The Marines, SHIELD, or dying horribly, which still might be happening in the near future.  
The base is practically clinical, but a little too made of metal and shiny and clean. Compared to the drab, dull, blinding desert, it's confining. He's not used to air conditioned rooms yet, and it's too cold, and tastes too artificial.  
He holds his dog tags in his hands, fiddling with the chain. They won't let him have his weapons.  
"Hey."  
The guy he's temporarily sharing a room with - his stuff was already on the top bunk when he came in - is shorter than him, dirty blond hair spiking every way, and not Military. He doesn't seem all that Government either, not like Agent Coulson, who he isn't sure is entirely human.  
"How's it goin'."  
"I'm Clint Barton." Clint holds out a scarred, calloused hand, and he takes it after a moment.  
"Gu - Jason Todd," he stumbles over the words. He's not a Gunnery Sargent anymore.  
"Jason...Todd. Well, you've probably heard all of the jokes so I won't even go there. So...how'd you end up here?"  
"How did you?" he asks right back.  
Clint smirks. "A series of bad life choices."  
Jason thinks of a night years gone by, a tire iron, and a lucky getaway. "We could write a book."


	4. The Joker - formerly known as Clown Prince of Crime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason Todd wasn't killed by The Joker and then somehow resurrected (he was taken by The Joker and then kept – first as a pet, then as an heir.)

He was different. He was special. The Bat wouldn't waste time with someone ordinary after all. Bigger fish needed bigger skillets and all.  
The kid's a scrapper, lots of spunk and spirit and fight. Filled with vim and vigor.  
It took weeks to break it all down into something malleable, something he could shatter. He threw out the pieces he didn't like and reworked him into an image Picasso would look askance at.  
His suit was red, tie green, and vest pinstripe purple and a fedora to match. The kid insisted on it, and Joker thought it fit him well, once he hid a few razor blades to the band. Never knew, after all, what you might need. Gotham was a dangerous city. Lots of crazies out there.  
"Well, kiddo, looking dapper." Joker circled him. He patted his bright red hair. "I do believe you're ready for your first big play date with Daddy Bats. Doesn't that sound like a blast?"  
The kid giggled and laughed and smiled.


	5. Bring It In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred Pennyworth, Jason Todd, Dick Grayson and Bruce Wayne, Even Alfred gets sick of his family using their fists instead of words. Batman and Nightwing are fighting the Red Hood again. This time Alfred hijacks their communicators to tell them how to deal with Jason correctly.

Alfred watches the confrontation via CCTV and various satellites. Jason's now characteristic red hood missing - he'd thrown it at Master Bruce and blown it up - Alfred can read his lips at certain angles and frowns mightily at his coarse language.

He could listen to the audio, but the intense anger, bitterness, and pain underlining every word was too much. Masters Bruce and Richard were arguing back, trying to talk him down, trying to get him to turn himself in, get help.

Shaking his head, Alfred turns the audio on and links open communications to the two elder vigilantes.

"Having trouble are we?"  
"Not now, Alfred!" Bruce snarls, snatching Jason's throwing knife out of the air and hurling it back.

Alfred drops his into his hand and sighs through his nose.

"Might I make a suggesting to end this encounter quickly and on amicable terms?

"Bruce doesn't respond, but Richard grunts almost affirmatively when Jason kicks him inp the chest.

"I will take that as a yes. Are you both listening?"Alfred watches the fight for a few more seconds before pronouncing clear and precise,"Hug him."

He sees Bruce falter and just barely dodges getting shot, but Richard doesn't hesitate. He lunges, pinning the gun to Jason's side. Richard snaps at Bruce, holding the struggling ex-Robin.

"Get over here, B! You need to be in on this."

Alfred watches Nightwing who has arms and legs wrapped around the threat-spewing Red Hood in a full body hug outglare Batman into hugging his wayward son.  
The result is the end of the fight and Jason, once the others let go, awkwardly flees the rooftop, looking back warily at the two.


	6. Congratulations on the Old Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DC, Lady Shiva, Jason Todd, She almost regrets lying to her own son but she can't afford the weakness of family.

Her with a baby? What would she do with one? She had no time for a baby, the years it would take to raise it. Shiva immediately decided that she didn't want it.  
There was no point in killing it, a merciless death for a defenseless life. There was no honor in that sort of death.  
Best to have the child and deliver it to his father. Willis would see to raising it however he willed.  
Ten months later saw her handing over a green-eyed, dark haired bundle to a gaping Willis Todd. Shiva almost stayed to see how he would explain this to the glaring red headed woman.  
Fourteen years passed, and the child was a young man in vibrant colors traveling with the Bat. He had some little talent, but Batman certainly surpassed him. She laid the boy out with an almost delicate blow and went for him.  
In the middle of her battle, the little brat sucker punched her from behind, bound her while she was unconscious and drugged her. All to ask one question.  
Her son had tracked her down halfway across the globe to ask her if she was his mother. Oh, the irony. How could she not laugh?  
She hadn't lied, not really, but two was hardly a litter. One was simply a deal, a barter made, and the other was something else entirely. Perhaps she would find him later. For now she had a job to do and no time for a tearful mother-and-son reunion.  
Time enough for that later. She would see just how much talent and potential her son had, maybe train him.  
Who knew? It might be interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't help but believe Shiva would have been a better mom than Sheila. Personal headcanon now says that she is, but lied, and Sheila lied because she knows a billionaire and an opportunity when she sees one.

**Author's Note:**

> I so do not have time for this oh my goodness I only do this when I need to do other things someone stop me


End file.
